On friendships

The thing about moving to another country where you don’t have the instant support of your family and friends is that you look for that in other expats who are going through the same thing. When I first got to Korea, I only knew one person. We were still new and didn’t do much (we’ve come a long way huh Tess?) Then, I was lucky enough to meet my friend Alice who introduced me to her friends. It was my 2^nd or 3^rd week in Korea and I spent it at a jimjibang (Korean spa/bath house) butt naked with two girls I had just met. One of the girls, Sasha, has since left Korea, but she will always hold a special place in my memories and heart. Alice and I are still friends and we now jokingly call her my “3^rd best friend”. 

Soon after the jimjibang weekend we all met again in Seoul for Sasha’s bday.  There, I met Allie and since then Alice, Allie and I have become sort of a trio. For a while it was just us, but I begin to make new friends as well. 

  Since college, I’ve gained and lost friends. It’s hurt a bit each time I lost one and I use to be the one to try and reach out to regain that lost friend. I wanted to be able to have different people to hang out with- to say that I had a lot of friends. As I get older, I realize that isn’t important. Some people are not meant to stay in your life.

I mentioned in my previous blogs posts that Korea has been great in that I have been growing as a person so much since moving here. One thing I’ve realized is that people will come and go in your life, but only a few stick and only a few make a difference. I’ve noticed especially being an expat that you will always have the people who value quantity over quality when it comes to friends- those looking to fill the voids that were never filled or were previously filled in their home country.

Don’t become a serial friender. A serial friender is a person who constantly seeks friends, but their friendships never lasts so they are always looking for the next new shiny friend. While it’s desirable to meet as many people as you can as an expat, it’s important to value the quality friends that you have. There is something to be said about a person who makes friends every few months and then loses them. I realize that sometimes it’s about the need for attention, the desire not to be alone or the need for approval if even for a few months, but one thing I noticed is that never fills any gaps and it never is quite satisfying. I will always say, it is important to surround yourself with positive influences and distance yourself from negative ones. Quality over quantity. The more mature you get, the more you realize this. 

I am lucky to have kept four very close friends over the years. I can’t say enough how much I appreciate and love my best friend. We’ve had our ups and downs and there were times when I wasn’t a very good friend to her, once being right before I moved to Korea, but she has stuck by me and I,  her.  We’ve been friends for thirteen years and have become more like family. My other best friends and I haven’t talked  as much, but in our ten year friendship we have always been  close no matter how often we talk. One of my friends went to veterinary school for 5 years and we talked a total of two times, but when she got back we picked right back up where we left off. 

I’ve since added to my list of life-long friends (Allie, Alice). Even if we don’t talk in the next year, (which I doubt cause I’ll be stalking yall on Skype) I know that when we do meet again we will pick up where we left off. I can't forget about my other friends though. I am lucky enough to have met some great people who I know I will continue to keep in touch with even when Korea is behind us. I look forward to another year or the months I have left with you.

I’m looking forward to another year of cultivating current friendships, meeting new people and socializing, but more importantly making quality friends.

Take inspiration where you can get it

Since being in Korea, my eyes have been opened a bit more. In the States, my eyes were clouded with the mundane and routine. I was used to the seeing the same things and used to a certain way of life. Here, I've had to adapt to a completely different culture. I've met people from other countries with completely different outlooks and I've learned so much from them. Just seeing a different perspective in a different mind is inspiring. I've met and I've talked to so many people, all with different stories and different dreams. Some interactions were less than desirable, while others were the complete opposite. Both had an impact. Both were inspiring.

People that I've meet once or a few times left me with words or images that inspired me in some way. For example, I had a friend who left a few months ago. I'd only known her for just a few months, but she was such a passionate and genuine person. The small amount of time I spent with her inspired me to have more conviction. Thanks Sasha :). 

I had coffee with my neighbor the other day, another foreigner. He was leaving Korea and I wanted to hear about what he planned to do next. Turns out, he had this whole amazing year and half lined up which consisted of living in Indonesia for a month volunteering under this awesome conservation project and then traveling to South America to study and live for a year. I was then reminded of all the dreams I had of going to volunteer abroad in South America and Africa for wildlife conservation- All the dreams I had of traveling around different countries. So, I thought it's time to re-visit those dreams. Now, I've filled out a few applications for volunteering abroad after my contract ends. Thanks Tommy:)

 A few days ago, I had a semi-drunk conversation with this guy I recently met. He asked me if I wrote fiction because he saw a status I posted on Facebook.  I said "yeh, but it's a hobby, I'm no author". I just remember him saying something akin to"Fuck that, if you write something you're an author vs. someone who thinks about writing something, but never does it". So, even in my slightly inebriated mind, I thought, "yeh, he's right. I'm an author. I like to write. I've been writing since I was young. Even if my stuff is no good and no one wants to read it, I'm still an author." So after losing my flash drive that contained some recent stories I'd been working on, I couldn’t bring myself to turn on the computer and write. All I kept thinking about was how can a replicate the stories I lost. It wasn't pre-meditated. When I write, I sit down, start typing and the story comes to me, not the other way around. It's extremely hard to reproduce something like that because it happens in moments. Anyway, I thought of that drunken conversation and also some conversations with other people that I've had over the last few weeks and I turned on my computer and started working on of the stories I lost. Thanks Coby :)

 These interactions, however small and insignificant they may seem are actually more important than you realize. Don't take for granted these fleeting conversations, the fleeting moments of clarity that you get by looking through the eyes of another person. These people aren't placed in your life coincidentally. Sometimes it takes a drunken conversation or a sporadic meeting to remind you of yourself, of the life that you want, of your dreams and goals.  

Take inspiration where you can get it.

 I'd like to share a poem I wrote about not giving up on yourself. Follow your dreams and use the interactions and the beauty that surrounds you as inspiration.

The Trinity

Have you ever had a purpose and neglected it?

An idea, born of brilliance, but fear rejected it?

Notice the time you spend further away from yourself

The heart and soul were not meant to be separated

The mind sometimes is nothing but a hindrance

Rational thought, the human burden

In this we are all connected

Struggling to fuse a mind, a heart and soul

That we teach to repel like opposite ends of magnets.

Take heed, this is a consequence

Of a mind, blinded by the eyes that feed it

If you have a dream, chase after it

There’s nothing worse than being a victim of idle

Simply because you lack conviction

If you have an art, practice it

Because losing yourself to the mundane

Will not perfect it

That art is the link for your trinity

You owe yourself to express it

If you have a love don’t deny it

These moments are rare in its sincerity

When two hearts meet in greeting

In search of bonding and synchronicity

If you have a fault, don’t obsess about it

The most beautiful things aren’t perfect

There is always something to work at

You are ahead in your evolution

Close your eyes and imagine it

The mind, the body, the soul in perfection

A harmony so blinding, it hides confined in your body

A wicker of a candle so fortified

It burns throughout the span of your life

Remember to reinforce it

Lest you regret it.

A positve attitude changes everything

My best friend gave me a notebook and magnet set years ago with the quote: “go confidently in the direction of your dreams.”  Since then, this quote has become one of my favorite quotes along with Langston Hughes' “Hold fast to dreams, if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly….” These two quotes are so applicable to me. I am a dreamer, but I also have goals and wishes.  I am also my own worst critic and the first person to step on my own feet. My best friend knows this and this why I think she gave me that gift. Thank you bestie :)

I’ve realized early on that your own inner dialogue greatly influences the outcome of your life. If you are constantly thinking negatively, it’s hard to see the positive. I try to maintain an optimistic mind. Life isn’t perfect. You can’t always get what you want, but if you focus on the good things life has to offer and maintain a positive inner dialogue you will notice that more opportunities arise. Just don’t hold yourself back and you will be a much happier person.  

 I’ve taken leaps of faith and I’ve also held myself back. The decision to move to South Korea was both a leap of faith and also an act of determination. But, there are so many other things that I want to do- that I dream of doing, but I haven’t entertained out of fear. Fear of failure, fear of the unknown, even fear of judgment. It amazes me sometimes how much confidence others have in me. My family and friends are very encouraging and always make me believe that I am so much more than I already am. But instead of listening to them, I make excuses in my head about why they are just looking through rose-colored glasses. I’m not as smart as they think, yet I graduated high school in the top 5% and with honors, went to a top university, studied pre-veterinary medicine and was in two academic fraternities. I’m not as driven as they think, yet I pushed my way through college, consistently worked with animals to build my career, got a great job after college and an apartment and later decided to leave it all behind and move to Korea. I’m not as creative as they think, yet I am constantly reading, writing and imagining and what I cannot do physically, I do in my head ( I swear I’m not crazy ;) ).

  I realize I should listen to the positive things other people tell me. It would not be said consistently if it wasn’t true. Generally, I am very optimistic, but there are times when I do struggle with a negative inner dialogue. I have to take a step back and remind myself how much more I have than others and of all the things that are great about me, all the qualities that are unique to me. It’s a true blessing to be an individual, a person in one head with one mind, with thoughts and dreams and creativity.  I will try not to step on my own toes. I think time away from the pressures of life in America has finally given me the time to think. I’ve seen so much since I’ve been here and met so many great people. I’ve done way more in 6 months than I did years in America. I’m writing more, I’m reading more and having more adventures. I’m doing the things I love and even thinking of ways to do things that I’ve always wanted to do. My life is a constant metamorphosis. When I was working in the States, I felt like I was in a cocoon, trapped by conformity and societal wishes. Yes I was still evolving while inside the cocoon, discovering bits and pieces about myself, but I was still a bit suffocated. Now, I feel like I can finally peek out and see what else the world has to offer. One thing I’ve realized is that the “American Dream” is not everything. It takes leaving the country and the associated pressures to realize that. That is not who I want to be. I don’t care for having a 9-5 job if I hate it. I don’t think I’ll be devastated if I never own a house or have an 800 credit score. I’m not saying I plan on living out a box and working odd jobs and running up a whole bunch of debt. 

What I’m saying is, my ultimate goal in life is the pursuit of happiness. It’s cliché, but it’s true. Because, I try to maintain a positive attitude, it is rare that I am truly unhappy for an extended period of time. However, I am not perfect and my life is not perfect so those unhappy times do happen. I pray for a happy life and a happy life for my family and friends every night. I think that is the ultimate success, because what is the American dream if you’re miserable. I’m not quite sure what my life will look like in ten years. Yes, I plan to move back to America eventually, finish my masters and start a career, but as of now I don’t want to be confined there. The world is so vast and it would be a shame not to see what else it has to offer. For now, my life is in South Korea. Here is where I have come to spread my wings, to begin to shape and mold myself for a final display of beauty.

The tragedy of conformity

It feels sometimes like a large portion of our life is out of our control. You are shaped by societies’ standards, the need to fit in, to be liked and to be admired. We all suffer from it. 

Life is an evolutionary process; I evolve a little bit each day. Sometimes, it’s a step back; Sometimes it’s a step forward, but most of my life I’ve spent getting to know myself. It’s why I don’t mind spending time alone. It really takes time alone to figure out the person that you are. If you are so wrapped up in the world and people and expectations how do you differentiate between yourself and the self that you’ve created for the world to see? So, I discover things about myself a bit each day and a lot of this I discover through my writings.  

In this post, I am going to share two poems. The first is a poem I wrote a few years ago. It is about how most of us are not living, but conforming. We are so consumed with what is expected of us that we don’t take time to really listen and really hear the things that we want for ourselves. Sometimes things get so twisted and it’s hard to decipher between what you actually want and what society wants for you. Who are you? I think everyone needs to ask themselves that or else you risk sacrificing yourself to the world. We are all guilty of this. No one is excluded.

The Suns mutual understanding  By: RRK

The world is but a place and life is just a box

Where we hide all our secrets from artists

Who capture it all in a portrait

I’m looking out of my window

The sun and I meet in understanding

We watch the silhouettes below moving blindly

It all seems like one big dance

This is our state of longing

I’m ashamed of its purity

I envy the burden of a dove

To symbolize love

I hear the song of the caged bird crying to be free

Lying and denying the caged bird is me

Sometimes I want to lend my eyes

So that you can see what I see

The death of our souls in its honesty

I dream of living. I dream of shores

I dream of never ending Aurora

I dream of cures, but most of all, I dream of love

I dream of eyes staring back at me

Sharing our souls honestly, peacefully

The second poem is a poem that I wrote recently. It is pretty much based on the same concept of the first poem. The first time we fail at something, fear is instilled and us and so our lives are based around this fear. It’s constraining and suffocating. It prevents most people from following their dreams and breaking through barriers and expectations. Enjoy. 

Fear                             By RRK

How does it start?

When you walk?

The first time you stand and fall

And are confronted with the pressure of it all?

And though you try again, you have inadvertently made a new friend

He stands there dark and tall,

A secret owned by all

 

He cuddles you in the night, whispering in your ear

That you are lucky to have him as a friend

And so you thought that he is right.

He keeps you safe from all that is fright.

So you lie for the sake of him

Play mute and compliant and forsake for him

Though drums are ringing in your ear

And the loudest silence screams for its release

You cannot shake this persistent beast.

Mute all feelings of wants and wishes

Desires, dreams even words of whisper

You’ve come undone.

Your dark friend will have no one

He reminds you that you must always be afraid

Afraid to touch, afraid to think

Afraid to love, afraid to create

Afraid to speak, afraid to be

You must be afraid of everything

He reminds you that he has give you the greatest gift

He has been alls most loyal friend. He has been your Fear.

And with your fear you shall become the most highly protected of them all

And as he grows, you shall become small

Hiding behind him

Eyes at the floor

Forbidden to see all the world offers

With shame and shy knocking at your door

And with his companionship, soon you will become hidden

Covering your head

So small to the world, so invisible, so dead

All the gratitude goes to your once small friend

Now tall and dark and handsome as he smiles

He has been your friend. He has kept you safe

He has made you so small you no longer exist

What will you become?

Surrounded by his gown

How will you let out your light?

How will you get back your sight?

How will you begin to fight?

How will you let go of the fear that haunts you at night?